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“We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn’t want to do.”
Conan O’Brien

“The new Pope has chosen the name Pope Francis. A little advice for the Vatican: If you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don’t go with a girl’s name.”
Conan O’Brien

“Thousands and thousands of people at Vatican Square were looking at the chimney. And the white smoke means we have a white Pope.”
David Letterman

“People all over the world celebrated differently. In Rome they prayed. In Dublin, they sang. In New York, they chugged super-sized Mountain Dews.”
Jay Leno

“The last Pope, Pope Benedict, will now be known as Pope Classic.”
Craig Ferguson

“Today was the first day that cardinals started voting for the new Pope. Everyone has already voted except the cardinal from Florida, who’s still trying to figure out how the ballots work.”
Jimmy Fallon

“The cardinals at the Vatican will release black smoke if they don’t reach a decision and white smoke if they do. And blue smoke means they’re working on the Vatican Oldsmobile.”
Conan O’Brien

“The cardinals are in seclusion until they choose a new Pope, and they don’t have access to the Internet. This is to keep them from being exposed to any press rumors and any “Walking Dead” spoilers.”
Conan O’Brien