Kategorie: something completely different

Worte der Woche

„Klarere Worte findet Fernsehsternchen Nathalie Volk, die laut der Aktuellen just bei der Verleihung des Deutschen Radiopreis den Satz sagte: ‚Fürs Radio bin ich zu hübsch.‘ All die hässlichen Radio-Vögel um sie herum werden das nicht gern gehört haben – und auch wir verstehen erst jetzt, was unsere Ausbilder bei der Journalistenschule meinten, als sie sagten: Einer wie du muss auf jeden Fall zur Zeitung.“


Jörg Thomann – FAZ/Herzblatt-Geschichten

Tell funnier jokes…

Viel zu wenig gewürdigt und großartig auch beim fünfzehnten Sehen: Stardust Memories von Woody Allen.

Filmemacher Sandy Bates will keine komischen Filme mehr drehen. Sein jüngstes Werk ist so schwermütig, dass die Produzenten drohen, dieses umzuschneiden und das Ende nachzudrehen. Sandy fährt frustriert in das Hotel „Stardust Memories“, wo man ihm eine Retrospektive widmet. Während er von Fans belauert wird, vermischen sich für Sandy Vergangenheit, Gegenwart und Fiktion, so trifft er zum Besipiel einige Außerirdische:

Sandy: Why is there so much human suffering?

Aliens: This is unanswerable.

Sandy: Is there a God?

Aliens: These are the wrong questions!

Sandy: Look, here’s my point. If nothing lasts, why am I bothering to make films or do anything for that matter?

Aliens: We enjoy your films! Particularly the early, funny ones.

Sandy: But the human condition is so discouraging!

Aliens: There are some nice moments, too.

(There is some discussion of Sandy’s love life, at which point Sandy says, „Hey, what are you, my rabbi?“ And the aliens say „Hey, look. I am a superintelligent being. By Earth standards I have an IQ of 1600. And I can’t even understand what you expected from that relationship with Dorrie!“)

Sandy: Shouldn’t I stop making movies and do something that counts, like, like helping blind people or becoming a missionary or something?

Aliens: Let me tell you: You’re not the missionary type. You’d never last. And, incidentally, you’re not Superman. You’re a comedian. You want to do mankind a real service? Tell funnier jokes!

Wunderbar auch die Szene, in der Sandy die perfekte Frau schafft:

„But you know, I’ve never been able to fall in love. I’ve never been able to find the perfect woman. There’s always something wrong. And then I met Doris. A wonderful woman. Great personality. But for some reason, I’m just not turned on sexually by her. Don’t ask me why. And then I met Rita. An animal. Nasty, mean, trouble. And I love going to bed with her. Though afterward I always wished that I was back with Doris. And then, I thought to myself, if only I could put Doris’s brain in Rita’s body. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? And I though, Why not? What the hell, I’m a surgeon. . . So, I performed the operation and everything went perfectly. I switched their personalities and I took all the badness and put it over there. And I made Rita into a warm, wonderful, charming, sexy, sweet, giving, mature woman. And then I fell in love with Doris.“

Late Night Pope Jokes

“We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn’t want to do.“
Conan O’Brien

“The new Pope has chosen the name Pope Francis. A little advice for the Vatican: If you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don’t go with a girl’s name.”
Conan O’Brien

“Thousands and thousands of people at Vatican Square were looking at the chimney. And the white smoke means we have a white Pope.“
David Letterman

“People all over the world celebrated differently. In Rome they prayed. In Dublin, they sang. In New York, they chugged super-sized Mountain Dews.”
Jay Leno

“The last Pope, Pope Benedict, will now be known as Pope Classic.”
Craig Ferguson

“Today was the first day that cardinals started voting for the new Pope. Everyone has already voted except the cardinal from Florida, who’s still trying to figure out how the ballots work.”
Jimmy Fallon

“The cardinals at the Vatican will release black smoke if they don’t reach a decision and white smoke if they do. And blue smoke means they’re working on the Vatican Oldsmobile.”
Conan O’Brien

“The cardinals are in seclusion until they choose a new Pope, and they don’t have access to the Internet. This is to keep them from being exposed to any press rumors and any „Walking Dead“ spoilers.”
Conan O’Brien

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