“BP says they’ve been able to seal the leak in the Gulf of Mexico. They were popping champagne to celebrate, but then they had trouble controlling the flow of the champagne and destroyed their entire office.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“Do you know that $8.7 billion of our money has gone missing in Iraq? I didn’t even know they had a Goldman Sachs over there.”
Jay Leno
“Opponents of gay marriage will now appeal to the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco — good luck there. You’d have better luck with a show of hands at a Lady Gaga concert.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“People are trying to understand the judge’s thinking on this. Well, I think it’s pretty clear. After seeing straight couples like Bristol and Levi, Larry King and his wives, Charlie Sheen and his wives, gays couldn’t screw it up any worse than that, right? So what the heck, go for it.”
Jay Leno
“A California judge has overruled California’s ban on gay marriage. Finally gay men can marry someone other than Liza Minelli.”
Jay leno
“Billionaire Republican and former eBay CEO Meg Whitman says she has spent more 99 million of her own money to get elected of governor of California. I think she thinks it’s like eBay, the office goes to the highest bidder.”
Jay Leno
“How can she be governor of California You know, she has not been in one single ‘Terminator’ movie.”
Jay Leno
“Happy birthday to President Obama. Republicans tried to block his birthday but they didn’t have enough votes.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“The president is 49 years old, but it’s never a good sign when your age is higher than your political approval rating.”
David Letterman