„As you know, the Democrats want to pull the troops out of Iraq in 120 days, ‚cause the Iraqi government has only met eight of the 18 benchmarks we have set. They’ve had eight accomplishments. You know something? That’s more than our Congress has had.“
Jay Leno
„According to a new Zogby poll, the new Congress has hit another historic low. Only 14% of people approve of Congress. 14%! And that’s just the hookers that work for the DC madam.“
Jay Leno
„A lot of conservatives on radio and TV … are now claiming Republican Senator David Vitter is not a hypocrite for talking about the sanctity of marriage while cheating on his wife with prostitutes. So exactly what would you have to do — have sex with the hooker while apologizing to your wife on TV?“
Jay Leno
„Next month, right here in Los Angeles, the leading Democratic presidential candidates will hold a gay debate. It will be a televised debate to discuss just gay issues. Well, how much is John Edwards going to spend on his hair for that one? We’re looking at a $1,500 haircut.“
Jay Leno
„Did you hear what happened in Iowa the other day? Two women see Bill Clinton at a parade and they thought he was Bob Barker from ‚The Price is Right.‘ … They’re going, ‚Bob. Bob.‘ You can understand why. When Clinton saw the girls, he was saying, ‚Come on down.'“
Jay Leno
„Just 24 hours until the new ‚Harry Potter‘ book comes out. The ending has already been leaked. You know, that Scooter Libby has gone too far“
Jay Leno
„As you may have heard, John McCain’s Straight Talk Express has hit some bumps in the road lately, and many of those bumps turned out to be former passengers. Last week, McCain’s strategists Terry Nelson and John Weaver left the campaign. Then, on Monday, the senator lost communications director Brian Jones and deputies Matt Paul and Danny Diaz. I believe the McCain campaign now consists of the senator, his wife, and this guy they picked up hitch-hiking. Which is why, regrettably, I must formally announce that I, too, am leaving the McCain campaign. … This is a decision made all the more difficult by the fact I never worked for the McCain campaign.“
Stephen Colbert
„John McCain isn’t the only candidate out there who is suffering. Over the weekend, former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore announced he was dropping out of the race for the Republican nomination for president. His departure strikes a severe blow to his party’s diversity. Of the nine white Christian men running, Gilmore was the only one with a wife named Roxanne. We no longer have that choice“
Stephen Colbert
„Researchers at Johns Hopkins University are predicting that 75% of Americans will be overweight by the year 2015. But my fellow Americans, with a little team work, I think we can do it by 2010. USA! USA!“
Conan O’Brien
„Hopeless Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich was hospitalized for food poisoning on Sunday night. He’s fine now. He was released from the Cleveland Children’s Hospital yesterday. He’s now back home, resting comfortably in a hollow tree. I guess he ate out of the wrong bird feeder“
Jimmy Kimmel
„Many people have criticized the Bush administration’s strategy in the global war on terror. Their plan has always been to take the fight to al Qaeda and slowly, but surely destroy them. … So, Mr. President, if you had to sum up your strategy? [on screen: Bush saying al Qaeda has been weakened]. Well, Tuesday saw the release of the latest war on terror progress report, a new National Intelligence Estimate on the terrorist threat to the homeland. It says al Qaeda has re-established its central organization, gained a safe haven in Pakistan, and rather than being hurt by the war in Iraq, has been instead ‚energized‘ by it and helped Osama bin Laden to recruit and raise funds. … But most important about the NIE? It proves once and for all why we must stay in Iraq [on screen: Bush saying, ‚The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September 11th‘]. The same folks? First of all, what exactly do you have to do to people to lose your colloquial status as ‚folks‘?“
Jon Stewart
„But even if the administration is suggesting that the current resurgence of al Qaeda in Pakistan and Iraq is proof that we were right to go into Iraq, how can they deny it was the removal of our troops from Afghanistan to go to Iraq that caused the chaos allowing al Qaeda to come back in the first place? [on screen: WH Homeland Security Adviser Fran Townsend saying the administration is not able to judge if al Qaeda has increased its numbers in Iraq from pre-war levels]. So that’s how they can deny it? They can play retarded. How could we know how much al Qaeda was in Iraq before the invasion when we didn’t know s— about Iraq when we went in?“
Jon Stewart
via political humor