Last Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes

„This kind of seems like bad taste to me. A Giuliani fundraiser is now charging $9.11 … in reference to 9/11. … Isn’t that inappropriate? I mean, isn’t it like a Bill Clinton fundraiser charging $69 a head?“

Jay Leno

„Yesterday at Columbia University, it was ‚Take Your Insane Dictator To Work Day.‘ There was a lot of controversy about letting the Iranian president speak here in the United States, much less at a university. I have to admit, I didn’t like it. … I mean, if he wants to condemn this country and our president, you do it the proper way … you win an Academy Award.“

Jay Leno

„The president of Iran gave a speech in New York City today, and thousands of New Yorkers are really upset about it. The New Yorkers said, ‚If we want to hear a short-tempered Iranian man yell at us, we’ll take a cab.'“

Conan O’Brien

„How about that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? What a guy this guy is, huh? According to this guy, he says there are no homosexuals in Iran. I guess that explains the pathetic state of their musical theatre.“

David Letterman

„The Democrats are so useless that they could not even pass a bill to get our troops more time between deployments. Only the Republicans could make an argument that a bill that literally supports the troops didn’t support the troops. And only the Democrats could lose that argument. Next week, the Democrats are going to vote whether to give Republicans all their lunch money or just some of it.“

Bill Maher

„The Democrat-controlled Congress‘ approval rating is now somewhere between rectal itch and that douchbag on the Internet who says ‚Leave Britney alone.‘ … Their approval ratings is 11%. 11%! They were so stunned at this number, the Democrats, that it sent a chill up and down where their spine used to be.“

Bill Maher

„The President of Iran is in the United States. President Mahmoud Ah-Members-Only-Jacket-Jad addressed the United Nations General Assembly today. … This guy is nuts. He denies the Holocaust happened. He says his country has no homosexuals. He’s looked very hard for them, he’s even placed personal ads. … Hey, maybe if there were homosexuals in Iran, he’d be better dressed.“

Jimmy Kimmel

„Ladies and gentlemen, the face of evil, the Hitler of our generation. Let’s hear his terrifying words [on screen: Ahmadinejad claiming that there are no homosexuals in Iran]. … That’s so interesting there are no homosexuals in Iran because in America, there are no homosexuals in our conservative movement either“

Jon Stewart

„As you know, the Iranian president said a lot of stupid things yesterday. My favorite is when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, today, Idaho Senator Larry Craig volunteered to go over there on an ass-finding mission.“

Jay Leno

„Iran’s president wanted to lay a wreath at Ground Zero, but his critics said, ‚No, no. You are trying to exploit Ground Zero for political gain, and that is Rudy Giuliani’s job.'“

Bill Maher

„Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton criticized Vice President Cheney and called him ‚Darth Vader.‘ Cheney denied it and said, ‚Darth Vader is evil, half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don’t own a cape.'“

Conan O’Brien

„But, come on, it’s not all bad. Hillary did call Dick Cheney Darth Vader. … Which is very unfair, because Darth Vader would have caught bin Laden by now.“

Bill Maher

„Presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani also on the campaign trail. He spoke to the NRA, the National Rifle Association, last week and he tried to appeal to them by saying that two of his marriages were shotgun weddings.“

Jay Leno

Dan Rather announced yesterday he is suing CBS for $70 million for damaging his career. After hearing this, Katie Couric said, ‚Then I’m suing for $700 million.'“

Conan O’Brien

via political humor