„Dick Cheney had an awkward moment tonight at the White House Halloween party. He went dressed as Darth Vader and at the party, he ran into the real Darth Vader who was dressed as Dick Cheney.“
Jay Leno
„There was another big Democratic debate last night in Philadelphia. There were seven candidates on the stage debating. Seven, which sadly for Joe Biden is the biggest crowd he’s ever drawn.“
Jay Leno
„Boy, the other candidates really went after Hillary Clinton. Did you see it? The only Democrat who didn’t jump on Hillary was her husband Bill.“
Jay Leno
„With the help of the American Civil Liberties Union, restroom enthusiast Idaho Senator Larry Craig will argue before an appeals court that his foot tapping … was protected speech. He’s calling himself ‚Lord of the Toilet Dance.‘ … I’m all for free speech, except in the men’s room. In the men’s room, I believe in no speech.“
Jay Leno
„It looks like oil may soon hit a $100 a barrel. And today, President Bush said, ‚Well how much without the barrel?'“
Jay Leno
„The president of Indonesia has released his first music album. … It’s called ‚My Longing For You.‘ He actually wrote the songs and performed them. And now, President Bush also putting out his album. It’s called ‚I Sing Gooder Than Him.'“
Jay Leno
„Forbes Magazine just released their list of the top earning dead celebrities. … Elvis is number one. Number two dead celebrity, John Lennon. Number three, surprisingly, Larry King“
Jay Leno
„Last night during the Democratic presidential debate, Senator Barack Obama accused Hillary Clinton of frequently changing positions. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‚I wish.'“
Conan O’Brien
„There was another presidential debate last night. The Democrats got together in Philadelphia. It may be time to start voting some of these guys off already. One candidate, who I think we can assume won’t get the nomination, is Congressman Dennis Kucinich. Kucinich yesterday told the Philadelphia Inquirer that we should seriously start asking questions about President Bush’s mental health. As if we haven’t been doing that here every night.“
Jimmy Kimmel
„Barack Obama is trying his best to catch up to Hillary in the polls. Going into last night’s debate, he promised to go after her more directly than he has in the past. All the candidates, in fact, are ganging up on Hillary. They attacked her on her foreign policy, her trustworthiness, her leadership ability, her electability. I thought this was out of bounds. John Edwards called her a nappy-headed ho“
Jimmy Kimmel
„As you all know, I recently declared my candidacy for president of South Carolina. … In all the applications I’ve filed for this thing, one element has been missing, and it’s tonight’s ‚Word.‘ Job Description. There are, I believe, 63 other candidates running for president. We’ve heard a lot about their positions on immigration [on screen: Tom Tancredo], health care [on screen: HRC], who can say 9/11 five times fast with crackers in his mouth [on screen: Rudy Giuliani], but there is one thing we haven’t learned — exactly what job are they all applying for? [on screen: Hillary’s V.P.]. Let’s face it, just saying ‚I want to be president‘ is pretty cagey these days [on screen: Fred Thompson Still Hasn’t Said It]. … And that’s ‚The Word'“
Stephen Colbert
„Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is in a little trouble this week, little trouble for saying marijuana is not a drug, it is a leaf, it is a plant. He said marijuana is not a drug and today his approval rating in California, 99.99%“
Jay Leno
„The president of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, and his wife have gotten a divorce. Apparently, there were rumors of infidelity and lack of trust. To which Bill and Hillary said, ‚Well, that’s no reason to get divorced'“
Jay Leno
via political humor