The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes

Vice President Dick Cheney is in Baghdad. While he was in Iraq, he said that it’s a successful endeavor. At least I think that’s what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions.“

David Letterman

„Are you folks excited about March Madness? You know, here’s how it works. We go from 65 to 32, then to 16, and then to eight and — well, no — those are Hillary Clinton’s superdelegates.“

David Letterman

Barack Obama gave a big speech on race, and there was one heckler in the audience, kept screaming crazy stuff the whole time. Turns out it was his pastor.“

Jay Leno

„Barack Obama addressed some of the more controversial comments made by his long-time minister, Jeremiah Wright. The guy said some crazy stuff, like, gays caused 9/11, Hurricane Katrina was God’s revenge for our sins. Oh, I’m sorry. That’s Pat Robertson. That’s the other side’s nutball minister. I’m sorry. You know, there’s so many nutball ministers in this thing, I’m confused as to which one is on which side.“

Jay Leno

„John McCain’s daughter is in the news. John McCain’s daughter says that a lot of guys don’t want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That’s part of the reason. It’s also because McCain’s daughter is 63 years old.“

Conan O’Brien

„A lot of American dignitaries visiting the Middle East. Senator McCain, running for president, is in Iraq. … Of course, he remembers Iraq when it was known as Mesopotamia.“

David Letterman

„On his first day, New York Gov. David Patterson admitted to having an affair. Actually, having a couple of affairs. Yeah. See, I think it’s great to combine your swearing in speech with your ‚I cheated on my wife‘ speech. That way the wife only has to stand beside you one time.“

Jay Leno

„A man who used to be the chauffeur for New Jersey’s former governor, Jim McGreevey, is claiming that he used to have three-way sex with McGreevy and his wife. Yeah. True story. When asked about it, McGreevey said, ‚That’s a lie. I would never have had sex with my wife.'“

Conan O’Brien

„So the last governor was going to hookers. The new governor admits to having an affair. Do you think New York is longing for the good old days when Rudy Giuliani would just run around in women’s clothes?“

Jay Leno

„So, let’s see, Jim McGreevey was having three-ways. Eliot Spitzer was having sex with prostitutes. The new governor, David Paterson, was having an affair. You realize the only politician in New York not getting any sex — Hillary Clinton.“

Jay Leno

„Governor Patterson said he would often meet these women at the Days Inn in Albany. Well, he knows how to charm a lady, huh? Nothing like that free pop tart continental breakfast.“

Jay Leno

„As you know, Governor Paterson is legally blind, which has got to be an advantage when you’re having an affair. This way, when your wife catches you in bed with another woman, you go, ‚Honey, I thought it was you.'“

Jay Leno

„Actually, his wife admitted to having an affair, too. Did you see that? Finally, a wife of a politician who doesn’t just stand there when her husband cheats. She goes out and does it, too.“

Jay Leno

„It was reported that Barack Obama’s Secret Service name is ‚Renegade,‘ while Hillary Clinton’s is ‚Evergreen.‘ That’s true. Meanwhile, John McCain’s Secret Service name is ‚Enlarged Prostate.'“

Conan O’Brien

„Today, Barack Obama criticized John McCain for mistakenly saying that Iran was sending aid to al Qaeda in Iraq, which is not true. And afterwards, President Bush told McCain, ‚Don’t worry about it. I didn’t know that either.'“

Jay Leno

„There was one bit of good news for the economy earlier today. At the last minute, a large investment bank was rescued at the last minute. It was adopted by Angelina Jolie.“

David Letterman

„Anybody got one of these yet, the new redesigned $5 bill? It’s out, new $5 bill. It has several new features. One of the new features, it’s only worth $3 … The dollar has fallen fast on the world market. In fact, there has now been a request to take ‚In God We Trust‘ off the bill. The request came from God.“

Jay Leno

„Even President Bush starting to get worried about this economy being out of control, you know. I mean, gold is over $1,000 an ounce. Oil, $1,100 a barrel. Hookers, $5,000 an hour.“

Jay Leno

via political humor