The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes

„Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today the Obama campaign released an ad comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur.“
Jay Leno

McCain is not backing down. He’s defending the commercial. He says, like Paris, Barack Obama is all talk and little action. Really? Has he seen her sex video? There is no talk. It is all action.“
Jay Leno

„According to the National Enquirer, John Edwards was caught leaving his girlfriend’s hotel room at the Beverly Hilton at 2 AM in the morning. If this story turns out to be true, there goes his chance of becoming Vice President; though he could still be governor of New York.“
Jay Leno

Barack Obama gave a speech in Germany and 200,000 people showed up. There were so many Germans shouting and screaming that France surrendered just in case.“
Craig Ferguson

„While Barack Obama was campaigning in Germany, he spoke to a half million people in Germany, a half million people. And while he was doing that, John McCain, he wasn’t laying around, no, no. John McCain was out driving in his driveway and he backed over the mailbox.“
David Letterman

„Demeaning Obama is not why this is a dick move by McCain. It’s a dick move by McCain because one of the fine young ladies featured in this ad (on screen: photo of Paris Hilton)…her parents, the Hiltons, contributed $4,600, the maximum you can contribute, to the campaign of none other than John McCain. John McCain is saying to the Hiltons, ‚I thank you kindly for your support. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a nationally televised dump on your daughter.'“
Jon Stewart, on McCain’s attack ad comparing Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears:

„There’s a lot of what they call buzz going around in the blogosphere right now that Barack Obama will choose the Governor of Virginia, this guy Tim Kaine, to be his running mate. Officially Obama hasn’t said anything, all they say is that he’s narrowed the pool of candidates down to ‚Not Hillary.'“
Jimmy Kimmel

„Insiders say Hillary was never on Obama’s VP list. Obama felt it would have been too much to put her on the ticket. Bad enough to worry about Jesse cutting them off, didn’t want to worry about Hillary breaking them, too. You know what I’m saying?“
Jay Leno

„Barack Obama says that next month he’s planning on spending a week on vacation in Hawaii. When he heard this, President Bush said, ‚Pace yourself, because once you become president, the vacations start coming fast and furious.'“
Conan O’Brien

„And according to the TV show ‚Extra,‘ former vice president Dan Quayle, remember him? He’s in the running to join the cast of ‚Dancing with the Stars.‘ That’s true, Dan Quayle, you remember, he was vice president under the first George Bush. See, that was back in the day when the president was smart and the vice president was an idiot. Now, of course, everything’s turned around.“
Jay Leno

„I’m not the only one who noticed the press‘ bias against John McCain. So has John McCain. Last week, his campaign sent an e-mail to reporters saying, ‚It’s pretty obvious that the media has a bizarre fascination with Barack Obama. Some may even say it’s a love affair.‘ This has got to be hard on McCain. It is tough seeing your old flame with someone new. John McCain and the media had a very hot fling back in the summer of 2000. They even had cute little nicknames for each other. The press called McCain ‚maverick,‘ and McCain called the press any time he wanted favorable coverage.“
Stephen Colbert

„Beijing skies are so polluted that Chinese authorities are planning emergency measures for the Olympics. For example, protesters will now only be run over with hybrid tanks.“
Jay Leno

„Nation, I’ve got great news — I am furious. Today Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was unfairly indicted by the Justice Department., just because the oilfield company VECO didn’t charge him for an extensive renovation on his house — including a brand new first floor, a fully finished basement, a wrap-around deck, and, one assumes, installing the latest internet tubes [on-screen: Stevens talking about the internet not being a ‚big truck,‘ but a ’series of tubes‘]. The Justice Department is calling this a conflict of interest. Please — VECO is a major oil drilling company, and Senator Stevens worked tirelessly to allow drilling in ANWR. That’s not a conflict of interest — their interests line up perfectly. This is a non-story folks, and I look forward to Stevens being proven innocent when President Bush commutes his sentence.“
Stephen Colbert

„Then this morning, the senator paid a visit to the Western Wall, one of the holiest sites in Judaism, where he followed the custom of putting a message into one of the wall’s crevices. It’s typically a prayer God. Through my connections, I managed to get a hold of Obama’s prayer. It reads, ‚Dear God, Please protect my nuts from Jesse Jackson.‘ Gotta make sure this gets back in that wall. Note to self, put back in wall.“
Stephen Colbert

via political humor