The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes

„This doesn’t smell right. This is not the way a tested hero behaves. Somebody’s putting something in his Metamucil.“

David Letterman, on John McCain suspending his campaign and canceling his appearance on the Late Show

„McCain suspended his campaign, said the debate had to be canceled, he went to Washington, screwed up the deal, and then un-suspended his campaign and flew to the debate even though there wasn’t a deal. Usually when a 72-year-old man acts this way, this is when the kids start calling nursing homes.“

Bill Maher

„John McCain showed up without running mate Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she actually has a lot of experience with financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank.“

Jimmy Kimmel, on Obama and McCain’s meeting with President Bush at the White House

„President Bush has been speaking out about the Wall Street bailout. And today, a reporter asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Yeah. Bush got upset and said, ‚Why does everyone always spell in front of me?'“

Conan O’Brien

„John McCain wants to suspend his debate with Barack Obama until the economic crisis is over. And Sarah Palin wants to suspend her debate with Joe Biden until she can find Europe on a map.“

Jay Leno

„You probably heard that John McCain suspended his presidential campaign yesterday to focus on the financial crises. You had to kind of expect that this might happen. For a man of his age, it’s very difficult to maintain an election.“

Jimmy Kimmel

„Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin is in town. John McCain took her over to the U.N. to introduce her to all the world leaders. It looked like Take Your Daughter to Work Day.“

David Letterman

„And all this week, the McCain campaign is trying to prevent Sarah Palin from talking to reporters covering the news, you know? They said, ‚you can take her picture, but you can’t ask her any questions.‘ What is she running for, vice president or ‚America’s Next Top Model‘?“

Jay Leno

„By the way, as the campaign goes on, we’re learning more and more about Senator John McCain, who apparently has 13 cars. But he can’t remember where he parked any of them.“

David Letterman

„Sarah Palin, you know, was at the U.N. yesterday, and she was a big hit. She’s over there meeting all of the world leaders. She’s still learning who the world leaders are. Right now, she thinks that Warren Buffett is the head of Margaritaville.“

David Letterman

„Earlier today, Governor Sarah Palin held a meeting with several leaders from other countries to showcase her foreign policy expertise. That’s right, yeah. Experts say the meeting took 90 seconds.“

Conan O’Brien

„All these world leaders, while they’re in New York City over there at the U.N., in their free time they’re doing some shopping. The Japanese premiere, for example, earlier today got a great deal on Morgan Stanley.“

David Letterman

„President Bush announced today that he will be working with Congress to use hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to restore confidence in the market. Actually, that was Bush’s second choice to fix the problem. First choice? Invade Wall Street.“

Jay Leno

„As far as this $700 billion bailout is concerned, they keep saying ‚we have to act now, we have to act now.‘ It’s like a bad TV offer. Just ten easy payments of $70 billion each, operators are standing by, but you have to act now!“

Jay Leno

„Senator Chris Dodd said that the bailout plan would put the Constitution at risk, to which Bush said, ‚Oh, please, we haven’t used that old thing in years.'“

Jay Leno

„Barack Obama said today the government’s $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that kind of money.“

Jay Leno

„Yesterday, the president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, challenged John McCain to a debate. Did you know that? Yeah. McCain says if he wanted to be attacked by an extremist in an unfair environment, he’d appear on MSNBC. That’s the way to do it in this country.“

Conan O’Brien

„John McCain said that illegal Irish immigrants in America should be allowed to become citizens. When asked why, McCain said, ‚Because my wife’s family owns Budweiser.'“

Conan O’Brien

via politicalhumor