The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes

„Colin Powell is in the news because he endorsed Barack Obama. I wonder how John McCain feels about Colin Powell endorsing Obama. He’s probably all right with it. Men his age are used to having colon problems.“
Craig Ferguson

„Palin told a bunch of third graders that the vice president ‚runs the Senate,‘ which the vice president does not do. Not knowing what the job is? Even President Bush will tell you, the vice president doesn’t run the Senate. The vice president runs the White House.“
Jimmy Kimmel

„Your average hockey mom, Sarah Palin, went through $150,000 of Republican party money to get a wardrobe. That’s a lot of money to give Joe Sixpack a hard-on, don’t you think?“ –Bill Maher „John McCain mentions Joe the Plumber so much, I am afraid he is addicted to crack [on screen: photo of a plumber’s backside]. And now, the McCain-Palin campaign is spread spreading the love to all the middle class [on screen: McCain and Palin mentioning ‚Ed the dairy man,‘ ‚Rose the teacher,‘ ‚Phil the bricklayer,‘ ‚Molly the dental hygienist,‘ and ‚Chuck the teacher‘]. I believe they went on to single out Bob the Builder, Dora the Explorer, and Thomas the Tank Engine. A key demographic. The only person McCain’s not talking about is George the President“
Stephen Colbert

„The McCain campaign is now focusing on a last-ditch strategy that involves three major parts: Number one: to strengthen support in states Bush won in 2004. Number two: to flip Pennsylvania back from blue to red and number three: to pray for an earthquake that will dump California into the Pacific Ocean.“
Jimmy Kimmel

„Barack Obama is taking time off from campaigning to visit his sick grandmother in Hawaii. Sarah Palin had a good thought. She suggested that while Barack Obama is over in Hawaii, it might be a good idea for him to keep an eye on Japan.“
Jimmy Kimmel

„Sarah Palin was campaigning in North Carolina, and she said she only really wanted to campaign in the ‚pro-America‘ parts of the country. And so does her husband, who unfortunately couldn’t be there because he’s a secessionist.“
Bill Maher

„In Tennessee, a man named his newborn baby after Sarah Palin. Can you believe that? Newborn baby, names the newborn baby after Sarah Palin. Yeah, the man named his baby Sarah Palin after he asked it to name three countries, and it just stared blankly into space“
Conan O’Brien

„Let me quote you what she said today, and I hope you’re insulted. She said, ‚We believe that the best of America is in the small towns. The little pockets of what I call the real America. This is where we find the kindness and the goodness and the courage of everyday Americans.‘ And if that’s not enough, she said Hollywood is such a stinking cesspool; couldn’t even be fixed by Joe the plumber. Well, you know what, in a couple of weeks, she’s going to find out that the big cities have one thing that the small towns don’t: a lot of voters.“
Bill Maher

„Remember John Kerry? He ran for president and didn’t do that well. He’s being criticized for telling a joke about John McCain wearing adult diapers. How dare you, sir! That’s my job! Knock it off, Kerry! I’ll tell the McCain diaper jokes; you stick with losing elections to the least popular president ever in the history of America.“
Craig Ferguson

„The Pentagon is buying a portrait of Donald Rumsfeld for $46,000. But it will probably cost 10 times that, serve no real purpose, and never be finished. Remind you of anything?“
Craig Ferguson

„Eeven if John McCain doesn’t win the ‚election‘ in ‚America,‘ he’ll still be president of real America, the America that matters, the one that Sarah Palin will still take questions from [on screen: Palin in North Carolina, saying that small-town America is ‚real America‘]. What the f**k? So, if small towns are real America, that would make big cities, like Washington, DC, and New York City, the capitals of fake America, like the epicenter of fake America. The, oh, what’s the word I’m looking for? The ground zero, if you will, of anti-America. I bet bin Laden feels like a real a**hole now. ‚What? I bombed the wrong America? That’s it. I’m going into hiding. I’m too embarrassed!'“

Jon Stewart

„Tell me more about this real America. It sounds magnificent [on screen: Palin saying in ‚real‘ small-town America is ‚where we find the kindness and the goodness and the courage of everyday Americans. Those who are running our factories and teaching our kids and growing our food and are fighting our war for us. Those who are protecting us in uniform‘]. Gosh, we don’t do any of that stuff. We just spend our days j***ing off onto religious paraphernalia. Jeez, I guess if you’re from New York City and you signed up to fight in Iraq and you died, I guess it doesn’t count.“
Jon Stewart