The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes

„President Obama still has not gotten used to the White House, apparently. This is true. Today, on his way into the Oval Office, he tried to mistakenly open a window that he thought was a door. That’s true. Yeah. White House employees said at first it made them laugh, then a wave of nostalgia washed over them.“

Conan O’Brien

„So far so good for the Obamas. The family is settled in. There’s the President and his wife and the kids and the mother-in-law. And they’re settling nicely. The only problem, the only complaint — and they don’t want to make trouble — but the only complaint is they can still hear creepy organ music coming from Dick Cheney’s dungeon.“

David Letterman

„The House of Representatives has passed President Obama’s stimulus package. … You know it’s interesting, when Bill Clinton needed stimulus for his package, he just called an intern.“

David Letterman

„President Barack Obama has also signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. There goes Dick Cheney’s retirement, huh? What is he supposed to do now?“

Jay Leno

„After eight years in office, former President George W. Bush is now in retirement. But how can you tell? Honestly. How can you tell?“

David Letterman

„Bush is not worrying about the country. No, it’s like he’s still president.“

David Letterman

„This is kind of an awkward time for President Bush. He’s too young to retire, yet still too old to destroy the moral and economic infrastructure of another country.“

Jay Leno

„But Dick Cheney, you’ve got to give him credit. He’s enjoying his first week as a private citizen. In fact, today, he was out hunting human prey.“

David Letterman

„They’re closing Guantanamo. That’s how bad things are, ladies and gentlemen. That’s how bad the economy is. You know it’s tough, you know the economy is bad, when even the terrorists are being laid off.“

David Letterman

„President Barack Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Guantanamo Bay within a year. Actually, you know how he can close it faster? Make it a bank, okay? It’ll shut down.“

Jay Leno

„But congratulations to Hillary Clinton, our new secretary of state, who was sworn in holding the Clinton family Bible. And it’s a special edition, because Bill had removed four Commandments.“

David Letterman

„Hillary Clinton’s replacement in the Senate, Kirsten Gillibrand, showed up to their joint press conference sporting a Hillary hairstyle and a nearly identical pantsuit, which explains why Bill Clinton was heard screaming, ‚Good Lord, there’s two of them!'“

Conan O’Brien