The Week’s Late-Night Jokes

„Former presidential candidate John Edwards has admitted that Federal investigators are looking into his presidential campaign finances and the fact that he paid over $100,000 to his mistress. Edwards is denying any impropriety – he said his mistress earned every penny.“

Jay Leno

„They say President Obama will most likely pick a woman. And I think that’s probably true, because today, Clarence Thomas was seen renting porn.“

Bill Maher

„President Obama may choose a Supreme Court nominee by the end of the week. That’s fast. Nothing against the President, but doesn’t it worry you that it took him 10 times longer to decide on a dog?“

Craig Ferguson

„Well, as you know, Supreme Court judge is a job for life. There’s only one other job in Washington that’s a job for life. That’s on the Joe Biden Clarification and Apology Unit. And that’s 24/7. That’s very hectic.“

Jay Leno

„As you know, Vice President Biden got in a little bit of trouble yesterday when he suggested that people should avoid commercial flights and subways if they want to stay healthy. Yeah. Today, President Obama recommended that Biden avoid microphones and TV cameras for the very same reason.“

Jay Leno

„John Edwards is now being investigated on whether or not he used campaign funds to pay his mistress hush money. Here’s my question: why can’t we find hush money to keep Joe Biden quiet?“

Jay Leno

„Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told a group of fourth graders that the Bush Administration never used torture to interrogate terrorist suspects. Condoleezza spoke to the fourth graders using simple, uncomplicated words that they could easily understand. Same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim.“

Jay Leno

„President Obama attended an early Cinco de Mayo event at the White House yesterday, but he mistakenly greeted guests with the phrase, Welcome to Cinco de Cuatro, which means five of four. Maybe it’s the White House itself that makes people dumb.“

Jimmy Kimmel

„President Obama and his lovely wife, Michelle, recently went out to dinner at a restaurant. And after dinner, they took a romantic sunset walk around the White House grounds. And I was thinking, well, Bill Clinton used to take romantic strolls, but I think he waited until his wife was out of town.“

David Letterman

„And President Obama said that the country needs to remember that it is cool to be smart. Today, former President George W. Bush gave the rebuttal.“

Jay Leno

„Here’s an unusual story. Only in Louisiana! I love Louisiana politics. This is my favorite. A porn star named Stormy Daniels is now embarking on a listening tour of the state of Louisiana. She’s considering running for the Senate. A porn star running for the Senate. Porn to politics. That’s kind of a lateral move, isn’t it?“

Jay Leno

„Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada.“

Craig Ferguson