The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes

„To commemorate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts from Apollo 11 visited the White House. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were allowed to set foot inside the White House, while Michael Collins was forced to drive around in circles outside.“
Conan O’Brien

„According to a new poll, 42% of Americans say they would vote for Sarah Palin for president in 2012. They also said they’d support her decision to step down in 2013.“
Conan O’Brien

„Gov. Sanford is still trying to recover from his sex scandal. This is the latest. This weekend, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wrote an editorial apologizing for his behavior. I’m not sure he’s sincere, though, because it starts out, ‚Dear Penthouse.'“
Conan O’Brien

„On Monday, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, announced that the U.S. will send an additional 22,000 troops to Iraq to speed up the withdrawal effort. It’s all part of the Administration’s new exit strategy, ‚Reverse Psychology.'“
Jimmy Fallon

„The astronauts went on a space walk today to change the batteries on the outside of the International Space Station. They hope the space walk will answer some key questions…Like, who put the batteries on the outside of the space station?“
Craig Ferguson

„But the governor of South Carolina, Governor Sanford has lately been seen not wearing his wedding ring. And I was thinking, geez, I hope he didn’t lose it while he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Then he’ll never find it.“
David Letterman

„President Obama throws out the first pitch at the All-Star Game. And people are criticizing him because he had the big baggy jeans on…I want to tell you something. In all honesty, if we had wanted a president who looked good in pants, we’d have elected Hillary.“
David Letterman

„Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn’t really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman’s vagina.“ Jon Stewart

„A new book reveals that George Bush’s twin daughters Jenna and Barbara were a nightmare for Secret Service to keep tabs on. The girls responded, ‚That’s not true. We had tabs at every bar we went to.'“
Jimmy Fallon

„The tag Republicans kept throwing to hang around Sonia Sotomayor’s neck was ‚reverse racist.‘ They said, you know, it’s reverse racists like her that give regular racists like them a bad name.“
Bill Maher

„I know where I’m going to go on my next break. I’m going to the C Street House in Washington, D.C. You know what this is? It’s kind of a frat house for Christian congressman, where they live and pray together and counsel each other on how to adhere to the nine commandments.“
Bill Maher

„I say the nine commandments because Gov. Sanford hung out there, John Ensign, the Senator from Nevada who was banging his chief of staff’s wife, he lives there. And now a third alumnus, a former Republican congressman named Chip Pickering, has also been exposed for cheating on his wife, apparently actually in the house. It kind of makes you miss those innocent days when Republicans just tried to blow a stranger in an airport bathroom.“
Bill Maher