The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes

„Republican Congressman Joe Wilson apologized for calling President Obama a liar during his speech on health care. Obama accepted Wilson’s apology, and then invited him to appear before a death panel.“
Conan O’Brien

„When Wilson yelled ‚you lie‘ at the president, I don’t think he handled it very well. The president should go out and hone his material in some comedy clubs and deal with hecklers. Obama should have said, ‚Hey buddy, do I come to your state and knock the wiener out of your governor’s mistress?'“
Craig Ferguson

„Earlier today, President Obama delivered a speech to America’s schoolchildren. And he encouraged them to work hard and study hard. Yeah, then he said if that doesn’t work, grab the seat next to the Asian kid.“
Conan O’Brien

„President Obama told them, this is a quote, ‚Be careful what you post on Facebook.‘ That’s what he said. Obama then told them about bad things that could happen, like the time he accidentally friended Joe Biden.“
Conan O’Brien

„During last night’s health care speech, President Obama’s told Republicans that the time for games has passed. Obama had to say that because most Republicans were on their BlackBerrys playing Brick Breaker.“
Conan O’Brien

„President Obama giving a lot of very important speeches. He gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to succeed they need to work hard and study hard. Then today, former President George W. Bush presented the rebuttal.“
Conan O’Brien

„A lot of people were upset. They said that Obama was going to get in there in the schoolrooms and start brainwashing the kids. At first I was skeptical. But I was talking to my son after he came home from school today. Honest to God, he said, ‚Must have socialized medicine.'“
David Letterman

„Obama told the kids to work hard and listen to their teachers. Ladies and gentlemen, what a load of socialist propaganda. Work hard and listen to your teachers? I don’t think so.“
David Letterman

„It was big night on television tonight. And instead of showing President Obama’s healthcare speech that was on tonight, Fox aired its season premiere of ‚So You Think You Can Dance.‘ I guess they wanted to give viewers a choice between hearing what’s wrong with our country and watching what’s wrong with our country.“
Jimmy Fallon

„Former President George W. Bush has hired a man to lead his presidential think tank in Dallas. The man was hired because he was the only candidate who could say the words, ‚George W. Bush think tank‘ with a straight face.“
Conan O’Brien

„The University of Wyoming recently announced they are naming an international student center after former Vice President Dick Cheney because if there are two things that make you think welcome foreigners, it’s Dick Cheney and Wyoming.“ –
Conan O’Brien

„Hey, there’s a lot of buzz about who is going to replace Diane Sawyer on ‚Good Morning America.‘ Sarah Palin has expressed interest. She said, ‚I’d be honored to quit that job.'“
Jimmy Fallon

„There’s a big brouhaha going on at the Venice Film Festival, because the guests this year include Michael Moore and the Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. That was the guy that called George Bush ‚El Diablo.‘ Now, people are saying that the festival shouldn’t have invited that crazy America-hating lunatic, or Hugo Chavez.“
Craig Ferguson

„President Obama is asking Americans to drive safely and not consume too much alcohol this Labor Day weekend. Boy, he really is just like Hitler, isn’t he?“
Jimmy Kimmel