This Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes

„They’re using high-pressure water cannons and helicopters dropping seawater to try to cool down the reactor. And they say if that works, they’re going to try that here on Charlie Sheen.“
Bill Maher

„Here’s some good news. Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years. The bad news? The average age a person has to work to until they retire is 78.3 years.“
Jay Leno

„Even though there’s really no chance of anybody getting any negligible amount of radiation, Americans on the West Coast are desperately buying up and hoarding iodine pills. Isn’t it great that in a land that is divided between conservative morons and liberal pussies, somehow we have managed to find a way to pull together and behave like moronic pussies.“
Bill Maher

„Hillary Clinton visited Egypt today for the first time since the uprising. When asked why she went, Bill Clinton said, „Believe me, if anyone can stop an uprising, it’s Hillary.“
Jimmy Fallon

„They said on the news today 10,000 to 15,000 people each day are coming across the border from Libya into Egypt. Or as we call it in California, a ‚trickle.'“
Jay Leno

„Washington, D.C. is the most socially networked city in the country, which is why you could hear in the Senate today, „All in favor vote ‚like.'“
Jimmy Fallon

„Today is the Ides of March, the day on which in 44 B.C. Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by 60 Roman Senators. That could never happen today. We can’t get 60 Senators to agree on anything.“
Jay Leno