This Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes

„By midweek the Democrats had given Republicans more than they originally asked for when the debt negotiations started. The Republicans still wouldn’t take it. Getting rid of the Bush tax cuts? No, that’s off the table. Limiting deductions on corporate jets? No, off the table. Ending subsidies for oil companies? Off the table. The only thing that is on the table is the Democrats, bent over.“
Bill Maher

„John Boehner’s plan: no tax increases and a trillion dollars in cuts. Harry Reid’s paln: no tax increases, $2 trillion in cuts. This makes it very hard for the White House, because if the Democrats don’t stand up for what they believe in, how can Obama sell them out?“
Bill Maher

„The world’s saddest tangerine.“
Jon Stewart on John Boehner

„Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush Presidencies are like ‚Caddyshack‘ movies. They should have stopped with one.“
David Letterman

„One of the leading Tea Partiers, Congressman Joe Walsh, he famously went on YouTube and wagged his finger at Obama and said, ‚Have you no shame, Mr. President?‘ It turns out he is $117,000 delinquent in his child support. Have you irony, Mr. Congressman? He had an excuse. He said his kids don’t have a child support problem; they have a spending problem.“
Bill Maher

„The whole Congress has to stay there for the whole weekend. The Tea Party Republicans are especially pissed off at this — a lot of them had to cancel their Civil War Reenactments.“
Bill Maher

„According to a poll, 77 percent of Americans blame Republican leaders for the coming default and 58 percent blame President Obama. There’s the problem: That makes 135 percent. How can we balance the budget if we can’t even add up the poll numbers?“
Jay Leno

„House Speaker John Boehner is urging Republicans to support his bill by telling them to get their asses in line. That’s what he said — get their asses in line. This is typical Washington — if it’s not Obama kissing Wall Street’s ass, it’s Boehner kicking ass, or it’s Congressman David Wu grabbing ass. They’re a bunch of asses.“
Jay Leno

„After two weeks in the theaters, the documentary about Sarah Palin called ‚Undefeated‘ …not doing well…barely made $100,000. I’m not saying Sarah Palin’s movie is a bomb, but today Al Qaeda tried to take credit.“
Jay Leno

„Some big election news. It’s rumored that Sarah Palin will announce her presidential campaign at a Labor Day rally in Iowa. Palin has a great speech planned — she’s like, ‚We have to do this as a team! Remember, there is no ‚I‘ in Iowa!'“
Jimmy Fallon

„I’m not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I’m just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy peanut butter.“
Jon Stewart

„My question to Congress, and, I think, a question many Americans may be sharing as of tonight, is this: Do you want out of this relationship so bad, but don’t have the balls to leave, so you’ve all decided to act like such giant a**holes you force us to break up with you? Because if so, just get the f**k out.“
Jon Stewart