Kategorie: something completely different

this weeks late night jokes

„It’s being reported that Mitt Romney’s goal for tonight’s debate is to make Barack Obama look like Jimmy Carter. Meanwhile, Barack Obama’s goal is to make Mitt Romney look like Mitt Romney.“
Conan O’Brien

„Today was not only the first presidential debate, it was also President Obama’s 20th wedding anniversary. I think the president got a little confused. At one point, he told Michelle that she was out of touch with the middle class and Romney that he looks as beautiful as the day they first met.“
Conan O’Brien

„For tomorrow’s debate, President Obama’s advisers have been working with him to keep his responses short. In fact, the only words the president plans on saying are ‚bin Laden‘ and ‚dead.‘ That’s it.“
Conan O’Brien

„Al Gore is going to be covering the debate for his network, Current TV. Al Gore on Current TV, talking about Mitt Romney. That is like the perfect storm of boring.“
Jay Leno

„A new survey found that over 35 percent of Americans actually plan on voting before Election Day. Not for president of the United States, just for ‚Dancing With the Stars.'“
Jimmy Fallon

„Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He’s trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.“
David Letterman

Großes Kino – Dialoge XXXX

FAZ: Wollen Sie damit etwa andeuten, dass Sie gar kein Intellektueller sind?

Woody Allen: Ganz genau. Lachen Sie nicht. Wegen meiner Brille kann ich zwar recht überzeugend einen Intellektuellen darstellen, aber man sollte nicht den Fehler machen, mich mit meinen Filmfiguren zu verwechseln. Im wirklichen Leben bin ich alles andere als ein grüblerischer Bücherwurm. Mein erstes Buch habe ich mit achtzehn Jahren gelesen. Ich habe mich überhaupt nur mit ernsthafter Literatur befasst, weil ich merkte, dass das bei vielen Frauen gut ankam. Ich schließe mich nicht abends mit dem Werk eines dänischen Philosophen im Zimmer ein, um mit dem Bleistift kluge Anmerkungen an den Rand zu kritzeln. Stattdessen sitze ich mit einem kühlen Bier vor dem Fernseher und sehe mir die Basketball-Playoffs an. Ich bin ein großer Sportfan.


FAZ: Konnten Sie mit Ihrem Humor nicht automatisch bei den Frauen punkten?

Woody Allen: Wenn Frauen gefragt werden, was sie an einem Mann besonders attraktiv finden, antworten sie oft: „einen Sinn für Humor“. Es verblüfft mich immer wieder, dass die Damen offenbar so ticken – und es freut mich natürlich sehr, denn sonst hätte ich wohl kaum Chancen gehabt, bei ihnen zu landen. Im Übrigen habe ich die Erfahrung gemacht, dass Humor auf dem Weg zu sexuellen Aktivitäten zwar durchaus förderlich sein kann, aber während des Beischlafs eher kontraproduktiv ist.

Woody Allen im F.A.Z.-Gespräch

Olympia: Zu positiver Verlinkung verpflichtet?

Das Olympische Komitee hat in den Nutzungsbedingungen zu seiner offiziellen Website „London 2012“ geregelt, wann die Site verlinkt werden darf: Wer einen Link zur Seite setzt, dürfe die olympischen Spiele nicht in einem „falschen, irreführenden, abfälligen oder sonst wie anstößigen Licht erscheinen“ lassen.

Cory Doctorow  in boingboing verlinkt London 2012 gleich dreimal: „Hey, LOCOG! I think you’re a bunch of greedy, immoral corporatist swine who’ve sold out London to a bunch of multinationals and betrayed the spirit of athleticism and international cooperation. You’re a disgrace. And I’m linking to you. In a most derogatory manner.“

Facebook Late Night Quotes

„After losing billions of dollars, Mark Zuckerberg is being sued for hiding Facebook’s weak financial report. Apparently he put it somewhere no one will ever look – MySpace.“
Jimmy Fallon

„Facebook has lost so much money that founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named an honorary board member of JPMorgan.“
Jay Leno

„Facebook shares fell again today. At one point this afternoon, Mark Zuckerberg went from being a billionaire to being ’still a billionaire.‘
Conan O’Brien

„Mark Zuckerberg got married a couple of days ago. At their wedding, Zuckerberg’s wife wore a dress that cost nearly $5,000. That is until the dress went public. Now it’s worth $2,000.“
Conan O’Brien

„Mark Zuckerberg and his girlfriend got married — one day after Facebook raised $16 billion on the stock market. Zuckerberg listed the 10 things he loves about her, while she listed the 16 billion things she loves about him.“
Jimmy Fallon

„Some people use Facebook to check up on ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. That just seems creepy to me. I like it the old-fashioned way. If you want to check up on an ex, go through their trash.“
Craig Ferguson

„Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you’re not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever.“
Craig Ferguson

„That Facebook guy, Mark Zuckerberg, got married over the weekend. His company goes public, and he’s now worth $100 billion. Then he gets married. He may not be as smart as we thought. His wife’s a lovely woman. He stole her from the Winklevoss twins.“
David Letterman

„Facebook is worth $100 billion. Today it was friended by Greece.“
David Letterman

„On the first day of trading, Facebook shares rose less than expected. We were promised that Facebook would take off like a rocket. Apparently it’s a North Korean rocket.“
Jay Leno

„Have you heard about Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin? He’s renounced his U.S. citizenship because it’ll save him millions of dollars of taxes — to which Mitt Romney said, ‚That’s what the Cayman Islands are for.'“
Jay Leno

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