Kategorie: something completely different

this weeks late night jokes

“Donald Trump’s sons shot and killed endangered animals on a safari. They got an elephant, a crocodile, and that thing on their dad’s head.”
Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Santorum wants to crack down on pornography. Most political analysts say it could hurt him with the ‘every single man in America’ vote.”
Jimmy Kimmel

„Rick Santorum wants to ban pornography. That’s one of the few thriving industries America has left.“
David Letterman

„Last week a tourist in Puerto Rico took a picture of Rick Santorum shirtless on the beach. I don’t want to say he looked chubby, but his new Secret Service code name is ‚Newt Gingrich.'“
Jimmy Fallon

„That’s right — Rick Santorum was seen lying on the beach without his shirt on. He would have worn sunscreen, but he’s not really into protection.“
Jimmy Fallon

„When I heard the Republicans were in President Obama’s home state, I said, ‚They’re holding a primary in Kenya?'“
Craig Ferguson

„John McCain’s daughter Megan is going to be in the April issue of Playboy. I’m just glad John’s not alive to see this.“
David Letterman

„Here’s what I like about Rod Blagojevich. If you want to be governor of Illinois, of course you have to run. And then you have to get elected, and then you have to go to federal prison. It’s just part of their tradition.“
David Letterman

„This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell.“
Jimmy Fallon

this weeks late night jokes

“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver were seen shopping together. Apparently she said she wanted something Swedish made and Arnold was like, ‘Swedish maid?’”
Craig Ferguson

“Republican Senator Orrin Hatch accused President Obama of pandering to the hipster wing of the Democratic Party. It’s pretty shocking — not that he said that, just that Orrin Hatch knows what a hipster is.”
Jimmy Fallon

“Japanese researchers have invented a speech-jamming gun that can silence people from 30 meters away. You fire this at them, and they can stop talking. It makes people speechless. We should try this on Rush Limbaugh.”
Jay Leno

“Rush Limbaugh: four wives he’s had – no children. Dude, you are birth control.”
Bill Maher

„It’s like the Super Bowl of politics — if the Super Bowl was one team slowly destroying itself.“
Stephen Colbert on Super Tuesday

“Today is the multi-state primary known as ‘Super Tuesday.’ It’s going to be followed tomorrow by ‘Now we’re really stuck with Romney Wednesday.’”
Conan O’Brien

„In several Super Tuesday states, a third of the voters still believe that President Obama was born in a foreign country. Yeah. These are the same people who think that Super Tuesday is Superman’s birthday.“
Conan O’Brien

this weeks late night jokes

„Newt Gingrich crushed Mitt Romney on Saturday (in South Carolina). … Gingrich sealed his victory in last week’s debates by going after America’s most dangerous enemy: debate moderators.“

Stephen Colbert

„‚Newt triumphed with 40% of the vote to Mitt Romney’s 28% — a gap so wide, you could fit Newt’s head in it.“

Stephen Colbert

„We were ready for Romney to win the Republican nomination, so we had our puns ready: ‚Bright Lights, Big Mitty,‘ ‚Mittizen Bain,‘ and „Mormon-y, Less Problems.“ But then … ‚The Gingrich Who Stole South Carolina.'“

Jon Stewart

„There’s a State of the Union drinking game. Let me just say this, if you really are playing the State of the Union drinking game, you’re probably an alcoholic.“

Jimmy Kimmel

„Obama focused on four areas he believes are the keys to restoring economic security. Energy, manufacturing, education, and TV shows about cupcakes, which we love.“

Jimmy Kimmel

„People who saw Steven Tyler sing the National Anthem at the Patriots game yesterday said, ‚Nancy Regan really looks good for her age.“ But Steven Tyler got some of the lyrics wrong, so now everyone thinks the song goes, ‚Flag looks like a lady.'“

Conan O’Brien