Kategorie: something completely different

The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes

„New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn’t even fluent in English.“
David Letterman

„President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap is Joe Biden.“
Jay Leno

„Newt Gingrich announced he was running for president. His top advisers quit, and then his campaign fundraisers all quit. Newt was thinking, ‚I don’t need this, I’ll just put it all on my Tiffany’s credit card.'“
David Letterman

„More bad news for Newt Gingrich. One week after his campaign staff quit, his campaign finance team quit. In fact, Newt was going to pull out of the race, but today the guy who writes his concession speeches quit. He can’t do anything.“
Jay Leno

How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse Using Science

„Believe it or not, the guide to surviving the zombie apocalypse is actually derived from real neuroscience. The charts are largely based on a presentation by UC Berkeley neuroscientist Bradley Voytek, who re-created what the zombie brain would look like based on cognitive problems observed in films like 28 Days Later, Shaun of the Dead and The Return of the Living Dead.

Learn the Science of Zombies
Source: Pimsleur Approach

Based on that map of the zombie brain, Voytek and a fellow neuroscientist Timothy Verstynen established that the walking dead suffered from a condition they called Consciousness Deficit Hypoactivity Disorder. CDHD is characterized by “the loss of rational, voluntary and conscious behavior replaced by delusional/impulsive aggression, stimulus-driven attention, the inability to coordinate motor-linguistic behaviors and an insatiable appetite for human flesh.”

Yeah, zombies.

The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes

„A new poll shows that President Obama is losing the popularity boost he got after Osama bin Laden’s death. Or as Gadhafi’s putting it, ‚Uh oh.'“
Jimmy Fallon

„President Obama has offered bailout money to keep Greece from defaulting on its loans. Yeah, when Greece thanked him, Obama was like, ‚Don’t mention it . . . to China, because it’s their money.'“
Jimmy Fallon

„The Chinese economy has shown signs of slowing down. Experts say that’s what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens.“
Conan O’Brien

„Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you’re going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice.“
Jimmy Kimmel

„This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he’s in, knock on the door…Now they send it right to your house.“
Jay Leno

„Congressman Weiner is in a lot of trouble since he tweeted those pictures. But good news for him, he just found out he’ll be allowed to keep his porn name … Anthony Weiner.“
Conan O’Brien

„What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement?“
Jon Stewart

„Sociologists have documented this. Here are the stages of a scandal: First you have the denial, then you have the tearful confession, then it’s resignation, and then you appear on ‚Dancing With the Stars.'“
David Letterman

Best Late-Night Jokes About Osama Bin Laden

„Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, „I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.“

Conan O’Brien

„Osama bin Laden’s death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, ‚President Obama saves the world.‘ Stations on the right are going, ‚Obama kills fellow Muslim.'“

Craig Ferguson

„How about those Navy Seals. We’re getting our money’s worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden’s compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head.“

David Letterman

„There’s already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.“

David Letterman

„Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, ‚the ultimate waterboarding.'“

Jay Leno

„Osama bin Laden, as we speak, is living with Spongebob in a pineapple under the sea.“

Jimmy Kimmel

„It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: ‚Yes I Did.'“

Jay Leno

„Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved.“

Jay Leno

„Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down.“

Conan O’Brien