Kategorie: something completely different

This Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes

„They’re using high-pressure water cannons and helicopters dropping seawater to try to cool down the reactor. And they say if that works, they’re going to try that here on Charlie Sheen.“
Bill Maher

„Here’s some good news. Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years. The bad news? The average age a person has to work to until they retire is 78.3 years.“
Jay Leno

„Even though there’s really no chance of anybody getting any negligible amount of radiation, Americans on the West Coast are desperately buying up and hoarding iodine pills. Isn’t it great that in a land that is divided between conservative morons and liberal pussies, somehow we have managed to find a way to pull together and behave like moronic pussies.“
Bill Maher

„Hillary Clinton visited Egypt today for the first time since the uprising. When asked why she went, Bill Clinton said, „Believe me, if anyone can stop an uprising, it’s Hillary.“
Jimmy Fallon

„They said on the news today 10,000 to 15,000 people each day are coming across the border from Libya into Egypt. Or as we call it in California, a ‚trickle.'“
Jay Leno

„Washington, D.C. is the most socially networked city in the country, which is why you could hear in the Senate today, „All in favor vote ‚like.'“
Jimmy Fallon

„Today is the Ides of March, the day on which in 44 B.C. Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by 60 Roman Senators. That could never happen today. We can’t get 60 Senators to agree on anything.“
Jay Leno

This Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes

„On Thursday Hosni Mubarak said he would not leave Egypt until he was dead. On Friday the crowd said, ‚Deal!‘ So he fled.“
Jay Leno

„President Obama unveiled his new budget, including $1 trillion in spending cuts, which Obama called the most painful choice he’s ever made. Then he looked over at Joe Biden and said, ‚OK, second most painful choice.'“
Craig Ferguson

„The New York Times says new cars will no longer be equipped with cassette players. Come on, it’s 2011. People still read newspapers?“
Jimmy Fallon

„Dick Cheney presented Donald Rumsfeld with a Defender of the Constitution Award. And, yes, the irony was lost on both of them.“
Seth Meyers

„President Obama was in San Francisco today, meeting with a group of technology executives, including Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Their goal is to figure out how to create new jobs, to replace jobs that have been lost as a result of everyone spending all their time at work on Facebook.“
Jimmy Kimmel

„Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If all goes as planned, the company hopes to combine the two companies, creating the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen.“
Jay Leno