Schlagwort: late night jokes

Election ’08 – The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes

„John McCain may be behind but the man is a fighter. He doesn’t know the meaning of the word quit. He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.“

Stephen Colbert


The Vet Who Did Not Vet

„He just needs to do something to prove that he has the judgment to lead and knows where this country wants to go. You know what, I’ve got it. Senator McCain, you really need to endorse Barack Obama. That would really make you look like a ‚maverick.'“Stephen Colbert

„And how about last night on all the major television networks, Barack Obama has a half-hour infomercial TV special. I mean, thank God. It’s about time this guy got some media coverage, don’t you think?“

David Letterman

„They now say that there may be some friction between John McCain and Sarah Palin. Staffers suspected there was something wrong when McCain started referring to Sarah Palin as ‚that one.'“

David Letterman

„Although the press continues to say there are problems between John McCain and Sarah Palin, today Palin denied there was any dissension between her and McCain. And she said she has also agreed to keep him on the ticket.“

Jay Leno

„Today John McCain campaigned in the Ohio town of Defiance. Next comes Anger, then finally Acceptance.“

Jay Leno

„John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That’s what he said. I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities.“

Jay Leno

„It was on this day in 1846 that the Donner party left for California. As you know, everything went wrong and they wound up eating each other — kind of like what’s going on right now in the McCain campaign.“

Jay Leno

„I guess there seems to be some trouble brewing between Sarah Palin and John McCain. McCain aides say that Sarah Palin is ‚going rogue‘ and not taking advice or notes from the McCain campaign. They say it is hard to keep her from going off script and making statements that hurt the campaign. It’s gotten so bad, her Secret Service codename is now ‚Joe Biden.'“

Jay Leno

„McCain staffers are saying Sarah Palin has turned into a diva and is making diva demands. Here’s what they’re talking about. A couple of days ago, Lenscrafters had to stay open after hours so Sarah could shop alone. Today, she hit a speech writer with her cell phone.“

David Letterman

„Earlier tonight Barack Obama aired a half-hour infomercial to attract more voters. Apparently, if you watched the entire infomercial, Barack threw in a free set of Ginsu knives or a Bedazzler.“ —Conan O’Brien

„(Obama’s) whole campaign is like the craziest movie premise ever: ‚Barack Obama has five days to spend $150 million.'“

Jon Stewart

„Barack Obama gets a half-hour on TV. Big deal. I’ve done 470 of these things. Where’s my presidency?“

Stephen Colbert

„One week to go. One week from today, the election. As a matter of fact, earlier this morning, they, down in Florida, unloaded the crooked voting machines. So they are in midseason form.“

David Letterman

„A presidential term is four years, the campaign has lasted six. And of course, you know, when they have the election next week, the winner of that election meets Hillary in the finals.“

David Letterman

„Here’s how it works. Election is Tuesday. And then Wednesday is the first day of Sarah Palin’s 2012 campaign.“

David Letterman

„Do you like John McCain and Sarah Palin together? It’s fun to see them. They remind me of a couple of cruise ship grifters. McCain looks like the old guy taking his secretary to Las Vegas, doesn’t he?“

David Letterman

„Sarah Palin made three campaign stops today: Saks, Nieman Marcus and Bloomingdales.“

Jay Leno

„Republicans are warning voters right now that if Barack Obama is elected president, the Democrats will control all three branches of the government. That’s what they’re saying, yeah. John McCain said this would be dangerous, Dick Cheney said it would be expensive, And Sarah Palin said, we have three branches of government?“

Conan O’Brien

„John McCain has, for some reason, decided to build his final push around Joe the plumber. Now, this guy Joe, we learned last week, is not a licensed plumber and his name isn’t even Joe, but that didn’t stop the McCain campaign from naming him their unofficial mascot. Why they’d name a plumber a mascot for a campaign that’s down the toilet already, I don’t know.“

Jimmy Kimmel

„Alaska Senator Ted Stevens has been convicted on seven counts of fraud, corruption. And Republicans are relieved, because at least it didn’t involve an airport men’s room. But Alaskan authorities were tipped off by Russians, who had been watching with binoculars.“

David Letterman

„Yesterday, in Washington, I don’t know if you heard about this, the Secret Service arrested a man who climbed over the White House fence. True story. Yeah, the Secret Service told the man, ‚Get back here, Mr. President. You have two more months.'“

Conan O’Brien

via political humor

The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes

„This doesn’t smell right. This is not the way a tested hero behaves. Somebody’s putting something in his Metamucil.“

David Letterman, on John McCain suspending his campaign and canceling his appearance on the Late Show

„McCain suspended his campaign, said the debate had to be canceled, he went to Washington, screwed up the deal, and then un-suspended his campaign and flew to the debate even though there wasn’t a deal. Usually when a 72-year-old man acts this way, this is when the kids start calling nursing homes.“

Bill Maher

„John McCain showed up without running mate Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she actually has a lot of experience with financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank.“

Jimmy Kimmel, on Obama and McCain’s meeting with President Bush at the White House

„President Bush has been speaking out about the Wall Street bailout. And today, a reporter asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Yeah. Bush got upset and said, ‚Why does everyone always spell in front of me?'“

Conan O’Brien

„John McCain wants to suspend his debate with Barack Obama until the economic crisis is over. And Sarah Palin wants to suspend her debate with Joe Biden until she can find Europe on a map.“

Jay Leno

„You probably heard that John McCain suspended his presidential campaign yesterday to focus on the financial crises. You had to kind of expect that this might happen. For a man of his age, it’s very difficult to maintain an election.“

Jimmy Kimmel

„Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin is in town. John McCain took her over to the U.N. to introduce her to all the world leaders. It looked like Take Your Daughter to Work Day.“

David Letterman

„And all this week, the McCain campaign is trying to prevent Sarah Palin from talking to reporters covering the news, you know? They said, ‚you can take her picture, but you can’t ask her any questions.‘ What is she running for, vice president or ‚America’s Next Top Model‘?“

Jay Leno

„By the way, as the campaign goes on, we’re learning more and more about Senator John McCain, who apparently has 13 cars. But he can’t remember where he parked any of them.“

David Letterman

„Sarah Palin, you know, was at the U.N. yesterday, and she was a big hit. She’s over there meeting all of the world leaders. She’s still learning who the world leaders are. Right now, she thinks that Warren Buffett is the head of Margaritaville.“

David Letterman

„Earlier today, Governor Sarah Palin held a meeting with several leaders from other countries to showcase her foreign policy expertise. That’s right, yeah. Experts say the meeting took 90 seconds.“

Conan O’Brien

„All these world leaders, while they’re in New York City over there at the U.N., in their free time they’re doing some shopping. The Japanese premiere, for example, earlier today got a great deal on Morgan Stanley.“

David Letterman

„President Bush announced today that he will be working with Congress to use hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to restore confidence in the market. Actually, that was Bush’s second choice to fix the problem. First choice? Invade Wall Street.“

Jay Leno

„As far as this $700 billion bailout is concerned, they keep saying ‚we have to act now, we have to act now.‘ It’s like a bad TV offer. Just ten easy payments of $70 billion each, operators are standing by, but you have to act now!“

Jay Leno

„Senator Chris Dodd said that the bailout plan would put the Constitution at risk, to which Bush said, ‚Oh, please, we haven’t used that old thing in years.'“

Jay Leno

„Barack Obama said today the government’s $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that kind of money.“

Jay Leno

„Yesterday, the president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, challenged John McCain to a debate. Did you know that? Yeah. McCain says if he wanted to be attacked by an extremist in an unfair environment, he’d appear on MSNBC. That’s the way to do it in this country.“

Conan O’Brien

„John McCain said that illegal Irish immigrants in America should be allowed to become citizens. When asked why, McCain said, ‚Because my wife’s family owns Budweiser.'“

Conan O’Brien

via politicalhumor

The Week’s Best Late-Night Jokes

„Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today the Obama campaign released an ad comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur.“
Jay Leno

McCain is not backing down. He’s defending the commercial. He says, like Paris, Barack Obama is all talk and little action. Really? Has he seen her sex video? There is no talk. It is all action.“
Jay Leno

„According to the National Enquirer, John Edwards was caught leaving his girlfriend’s hotel room at the Beverly Hilton at 2 AM in the morning. If this story turns out to be true, there goes his chance of becoming Vice President; though he could still be governor of New York.“
Jay Leno

Barack Obama gave a speech in Germany and 200,000 people showed up. There were so many Germans shouting and screaming that France surrendered just in case.“
Craig Ferguson

„While Barack Obama was campaigning in Germany, he spoke to a half million people in Germany, a half million people. And while he was doing that, John McCain, he wasn’t laying around, no, no. John McCain was out driving in his driveway and he backed over the mailbox.“
David Letterman

„Demeaning Obama is not why this is a dick move by McCain. It’s a dick move by McCain because one of the fine young ladies featured in this ad (on screen: photo of Paris Hilton)…her parents, the Hiltons, contributed $4,600, the maximum you can contribute, to the campaign of none other than John McCain. John McCain is saying to the Hiltons, ‚I thank you kindly for your support. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a nationally televised dump on your daughter.'“
Jon Stewart, on McCain’s attack ad comparing Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears:

„There’s a lot of what they call buzz going around in the blogosphere right now that Barack Obama will choose the Governor of Virginia, this guy Tim Kaine, to be his running mate. Officially Obama hasn’t said anything, all they say is that he’s narrowed the pool of candidates down to ‚Not Hillary.'“
Jimmy Kimmel

„Insiders say Hillary was never on Obama’s VP list. Obama felt it would have been too much to put her on the ticket. Bad enough to worry about Jesse cutting them off, didn’t want to worry about Hillary breaking them, too. You know what I’m saying?“
Jay Leno

„Barack Obama says that next month he’s planning on spending a week on vacation in Hawaii. When he heard this, President Bush said, ‚Pace yourself, because once you become president, the vacations start coming fast and furious.'“
Conan O’Brien

„And according to the TV show ‚Extra,‘ former vice president Dan Quayle, remember him? He’s in the running to join the cast of ‚Dancing with the Stars.‘ That’s true, Dan Quayle, you remember, he was vice president under the first George Bush. See, that was back in the day when the president was smart and the vice president was an idiot. Now, of course, everything’s turned around.“
Jay Leno

„I’m not the only one who noticed the press‘ bias against John McCain. So has John McCain. Last week, his campaign sent an e-mail to reporters saying, ‚It’s pretty obvious that the media has a bizarre fascination with Barack Obama. Some may even say it’s a love affair.‘ This has got to be hard on McCain. It is tough seeing your old flame with someone new. John McCain and the media had a very hot fling back in the summer of 2000. They even had cute little nicknames for each other. The press called McCain ‚maverick,‘ and McCain called the press any time he wanted favorable coverage.“
Stephen Colbert

„Beijing skies are so polluted that Chinese authorities are planning emergency measures for the Olympics. For example, protesters will now only be run over with hybrid tanks.“
Jay Leno

„Nation, I’ve got great news — I am furious. Today Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was unfairly indicted by the Justice Department., just because the oilfield company VECO didn’t charge him for an extensive renovation on his house — including a brand new first floor, a fully finished basement, a wrap-around deck, and, one assumes, installing the latest internet tubes [on-screen: Stevens talking about the internet not being a ‚big truck,‘ but a ’series of tubes‘]. The Justice Department is calling this a conflict of interest. Please — VECO is a major oil drilling company, and Senator Stevens worked tirelessly to allow drilling in ANWR. That’s not a conflict of interest — their interests line up perfectly. This is a non-story folks, and I look forward to Stevens being proven innocent when President Bush commutes his sentence.“
Stephen Colbert

„Then this morning, the senator paid a visit to the Western Wall, one of the holiest sites in Judaism, where he followed the custom of putting a message into one of the wall’s crevices. It’s typically a prayer God. Through my connections, I managed to get a hold of Obama’s prayer. It reads, ‚Dear God, Please protect my nuts from Jesse Jackson.‘ Gotta make sure this gets back in that wall. Note to self, put back in wall.“
Stephen Colbert

via political humor